Deanna Austin
My name is Deanna. I am the Founder and Creative Director of Lingo the Flamingo.
In 2019, I lost my baby girl Harper. I felt isolated… that there wasn’t anyone who could relate to the grief I was experiencing. No one who could walk me through the next steps or guide me. I was lost and became disconnected to the world, even though I had my husband, family, and close friends by my side.
Why Within the Rainbow Journal
Following this experience, I wanted to support others who had been in this position to try and help others who feel alone… even with people around supporting them. It’s hard to not feel alone when no one around you has any idea of the pain you are going through. You may not want to even talk to anyone, but hopefully reading these stories you will feel a little connected to our community.
This portfolio aims to create a safe space where women just like me can share their stories.
A place where we can feel in touch with others that have had those same crippling feelings during and after losing a precious baby. A place to gain knowledge on hurdles that come up in a pregnancy that no one really talks about. The baby loss community is large, yet we feel so alone. I hope some of these stories help guide you when you need it most.
To enable this process, I created Within the Rainbow Journal.
My Story
I look back now, and I still feel like I am in shock and numb to what happened to us. I can’t even explain it as I just can’t even believe we went through what we did. There will never be an answer as to why this happened to us. It is so unfair and it’s okay for it to not be okay. You don’t have to try and find answers to make it better and you certainly don’t have to think that everything happens for a reason. Life can be cruel.. Once I understood that it was okay for this whole situation not to be ‘okay’ I felt a tiny bit of piece in that. I felt a sense of calmness within myself that I knew it was unfair. I didn’t think of what the future held for us, I just sat in the moment and took one second at a time. I gave myself all the time I needed to get through it. To be honest, I am still navigating through it. It will never end for me. What we went through and experienced was horrendous. The one thing I learnt through all of this, was I realised how strong I was. How strong women are. We are incredible and so powerful mentally and physically. Although we shouldn’t have to be ‘strong’, when we are faced with a tragedy so brutal, we have no choice.
I lost my first pregnancy and eldest daughter when I was five and a half months pregnant. We were going through the public system, as she was a little surprise pregnancy for us. We had never even investigated private cover for pregnancies. We were excited, happy, and felt all the emotions. I had dreamt of being a Mum since I was a little girl. I had only ever heard of normal pregnancies and births my whole life. I never really heard about people that had lost babies during pregnancies after 12 weeks or what is to come once complications arise.
My husband and I were told we had normal bloods. Amniocentesis, chorionic villus sampling (CVS) test was cleared and had scans at 12 weeks. They noticed something wasn’t right and couldn’t see some of her main organs. The lady suggested we go and see someone for further testing. I was waiting for the hospital to get back to us and it was the longest 3 days of our lives. We contacted our GP at the time as we couldn’t wait any longer, and she got us in to see another local ultrasound for women to get in urgently and get a scan. In that appointment we were told our baby girl was fine and we were told all her organs could be seen. At 13 weeks they can only see frequencies for the organs, and we were reassured everything looked perfect. Now speaking to many other specialists throughout the years and sharing our story, we have been told this was impossible.
A sigh of relief and many tears were had at this moment for us and our families. In the public system you don’t have scans between 12-20 weeks. I went in for a check-up in the hospital at 14 weeks and just heard her heartbeat through their portable heart beat monitor. The midwife did have challenges finding it, in the end we faintly heard it. I was told that because I had moisturizer on that would have been the reason.
I wish I could turn back time from this moment. I wish I had another scan that day at 14 weeks when Harper was bigger so they could see more. Someone more experienced, a doctor or the person who did my 13-week scan should have told me I needed to have another scan just to be safe. Even if everything looked good at the 13 weeks scan to them. I was told she was perfect and growing well so we waited until I was just over 20 weeks for the next scan. I don’t blame myself as I trusted the system.
On May 20th, 2020, our lives were completely shattered. My world and heart stopped in a second. I couldn’t even believe what was unfolding right in front of us. I felt as though my body was floating in the air as I couldn’t physically feel a thing. We were told I am sorry there is nothing we can do, she wasn’t going to make it. In this moment I had millions of questions but couldn’t even speak through the tears and numbness. They didn’t tell us why or how; it was just over.
I thought I was going to die. I couldn’t even comprehend what we were just told. I knew I couldn’t live like this or live without her. I didn’t want to live like this. The pain began to hit me, and it was too much. How could this have happened? How could she be perfect and now we are going to lose her? We had no idea what was to come. When the doctor asked us if we had questions, and we were too broken to even think in that moment. I managed to ask what happens next. Do I just have to go under anaesthetic and my baby girl is removed? She looked down and said that she was so sorry and I would have to deliver her. In that moment my husband and I embraced, and I felt that we both cried the hardest we have ever cried in our lives. The sadness took over my entire body. I could feel my heart aching and shattering more in that moment. I felt physically sick and numb all at the same time. This had to all be a dream.
A close friend of ours gave us details of the most amazing obstetrician, who helped us get all the answers we needed. She booked us in for more urgent scans so we could get all the answers we needed. At this stage we didn’t even know what had gone wrong with our baby girl. We soon found out that because I didn’t have enough amniotic fluid her organs didn’t grow. Therefore, she didn’t have a stomach, lungs, or her kidneys. I was keeping her alive through the placenta and her heart was strong, beating with mine.
I always think back to the moments I had with her in my tummy. My tummy was growing, and I was in no pain and never had any issues with being too unwell. All I needed was to have had another scan at around 14 weeks. I look back and I now know if I had a scan at the fourteen weeks everything would have been different. I wouldn’t have had to go through what I did physically, however I wouldn’t have had the connection that grew between us, growing her until the end.
Our baby girl had Potters Syndrome. Potter Syndrome is rare and affects an estimated 1 in 4,000 to 10,000 births these days. The options of continuing the pregnancy to full term was allowed but not recommended. Many complications could arise throughout and to be honest, there was no way I could have gone another 4 months knowing that my girl was going to take one breath and die in my arms at birth. Unfortunately, that was going to happen anyway. I felt it would have been even harder on my husband and I if we continued the pregnancy.
After finding out about Harper, the hospital we were at told us we had to transfer to another hospital because they were Catholic and don’t ‘terminate’ pregnancies. Another stab in the heart as I didn’t want this pregnancy to be terminated.
A week went by, and I was booked in to have a natural birth. I was told I would get some cramps and I’d be okay. I had no idea what was about to unfold. I wasn’t allowed to have an epidural, even though I begged for it. I had to take tablets the night before I went into the hospital to bring on early labour. I was given more tablets around 12pm and was told this could take anywhere between 10-24 hours to kick in. Twenty minutes after I was given those tablets in the hospital, I was in labour. Straight away I had the most excruciating contractions for six and a half hours. Every three hours they said they would need to give me more tablets, however they only had to do this one more time. It was a nightmare of an experience that I will never forget. I wasn’t prepared for this. I hadn’t even investigated or read anything about natural births. I felt like I was in a different dimension going through each contraction. I defiantly didn’t feel like I was on this earth.
At 6:51pm on the fourth of June 2020, our darling Harper Phoenix was born. She took her first and final breath. In the moment before she was delivered, I knew that was the last time our hearts would beat together, so I paused, and my husband and I held each other tight and cried before my last push. I will hold that in my heart and mind forever.
An hour went by, and I was given a tablet to stop the production of milk. Although I took that tablet, I did wake up days later soaked in milk. After birth you bleed for roughly six weeks afterwards, something that I also experienced. Stab after stab in the heart. Sitting at home going through all the emotions and physically change with no baby in my arms.
Leading up to Harper’s birth, we didn’t know if we wanted to see her as I didn’t know if that would have been more traumatising for me. However, in the moment after she was delivered, I knew I wanted her in my arms. She was my baby girl, my first-born baby. She made me a mother. She changed my life.
We stayed in the hospital with her for a few days, holding, kissing, and cuddling her. I never wanted to leave. I wanted time to stop and her to be with us forever. Even though she was still. I didn’t want to leave her behind. We knew we had to and deciding to have her taken out of the hospital room while we were still there, was heartbreaking. Saying goodbye to her was one of the hardest things I will ever have to do. We decided we wanted the nurses to take her out of the room while we were still in there as I didn’t want to leave the room and leave her alone by herself. The moment of her leaving the room absolutely broke my heart and soul even more. My girl was gone, I would never see her again.
My advice, get those extra scans, trust your gut, and don’t let anyone tell you what's the right or wrong process. It’s your baby and your journey that you will live with for the rest of your life if something goes wrong. When you’re hit with devastating news, take time to process it. Write down a list of notes and find out all the information you need to feel at peace. Take one day at a time and don’t be hard on yourself. Don’t blame yourself because good people are faced with some unfair life changes. Be kind to yourself and take all the time you need to get through each day. After facing such a tragedy, my husband and I were a team. We were by each other's side through it all. I am so grateful I had him with me every step of the way. You must be a strong team to work through this journey. The next step after having a stillborn is painful to navigate through.
All at once we were registering a birth certificate and a death certificate. We also had to talk with funeral homes as to what we were going to do with our baby girls’ body. Looking through little baby coffins was something I never thought I’d ever have to do. I decided to cremate Harper as I knew I wanted to also have her close to me. We found a wonderful company in Sydney called The Porcelain Urn Company, that I highly recommend. In those moments finding an urn for her, I knew one day when it’s my time to meet her again she would be buried with me. Everything I had purchased for her was now put into a box. The nursery I wanted to create for her I couldn't. It was a lot to process, and I just had to go through it. There was no way out.
I had never heard of a rainbow baby until I lost my girl. A lot has changed now over the past few years, but I was never exposed to it.
Not too long after Harper I fell pregnant with our rainbow baby boy Phoenix. This pregnancy wasn’t easy. I had anxiety throughout it, it was hard to believe my baby was going to be safe and okay. While grieving the loss of Harper, being pregnant again, I didn’t have that excited feeling up until about 30 weeks. The fear didn’t leave my mind and it was very challenging to navigate pregnancy after loss. I was robbed of those excited happy feelings when it all came crashing down for Harper. That feeling of pure bliss and happiness was ripped right out of me. It makes me so sad to think others around the world know exactly what I am talking about. It is truly unfair.
I know Harper is within my rainbow boy Phoenix. He is a piece of her. I don’t know what I believe in, however, all I hold on to is that our little angel is forever watching over us and making us strong. My little Phoenix is our ray of light and is so gentle, kind and also a wild child. I wouldn't have him any other way. I know she sent him to us to bring life back into our lives. I love being his Mumma and always speak about how amazing he is and how lucky we are.
We wouldn’t have gotten through it all if we didn’t have my beautiful Mum by our side. She was there for us and so strong helping me through it all. My beautiful Mum was tragically taken away from us only 6 months after Phoenix was born. The little pieces that were left of my heart were shattered. She was my everything, my best friend. She was the best person in the whole world and two years later the pain of losing her hurts just as much as the moment I found out she was gone. I know my Mum is within me too. I will forever make her proud and she will forever live through me. I will keep her memory alive in my darling Phoenix and my baby girl Halia.
I will never accept or be okay with the loss of my beautiful Mum and little girl Harper. I will carry this grief with me forever. It’s been the biggest heartache and trauma I will ever face. This will always be a part of who I am now. To experience these types of tragedies isn’t something that fade away. All I can do is tell their story and keep their memory alive. I found an inner strength to create a brand that I am passionate about to push myself to keep living the best I can without them. If I can’t be with them, then everything I do is for them.
I hope you find the strength within yourself to get through each day. You are not alone, and I am so sorry you are a part of the baby loss community.
May all our angels find one another and dance high up in the sky together.
With love,
Deanna x